sleeping

I worked last night. The show got done on the early side. I was home before 11. I felt like I could sleep so I went right to bed without taking any medication. Instead of a book, I picked up the ipad again and fooled around on guitar forums and played solitaire. Soon I was not tired but actually restless in bed. After about an hour of that I went in and took the sleeping pills (ibuprofen PM).

Back to bed and the ipad. Another hour and a half. Not feeling sleepy. Finally I got up and worked the jigsaw puzzle for a bit. Back to bed and the ipad but this time I was sleepy. that was around 2:30. Woke up a little before 7. I have the day off so I can take a nap later if I’m still tired.

I’m going to hide the ipad for a while. It’s not like I don’t have books to read.

Posture

Sarah called me the other day and one of the things she had to say was that she felt my height was not what it used to be. I’ve been interpreting that as a posture issue but she made it clear that she was worried that I might be headed down the same road as Dad.

Medical terms confuse me so I never can remember if kiphosis is the correct term for his condition or if it’s just osteoporosis. Many people have osteoporosis, I think, and don’t exhibit his symptoms. He has lost at least a foot in height in the last ten years or so. He’s badly bent over now.

Anyway, Sarah said that she thought I’ve lost some height in the last year and wanted to encourage me to do what ever I could to prevent the same thing happening to me as happened to Dad. There is some thought in the family that he had the opportunity to take action and didn’t

I haven’t had good posture for a long time, but I felt that there were a number of reasons for that. One is that I’ve never felt comfortable talking to people from a height. Since I’m taller than most other people, I find that I stoop to try to get to the eye level of whoever I’m talking to. Another is self confidence. Perhaps these are related. I think I often try to be inconspicuous. Put down here in writing it sounds really dumb – a 6′ 2″, 200 lb guy trying to be inconspicuous – get real!

One of the things I always liked while being with Zach was not having the excuse of stooping to talk to him. He didn’t stoop to me and I had to stand up straight to talk at him.

I had to admit to Sarah that I hadn’t been doing the exercises I had started with my physical therapy last year. I promised to get going on them again. Self confidence doesn’t come from a magic pill, so I will just continue to try to get good sleep and keep my work load low so I don’t feel beaten down.

Bereavement group

I went to the South City bereavement group yesterday. I had gone quite a bit last year but fell away from it last fall. The regular facilitator, Tracie, wasn’t there which disappointed me. I felt she was a big reason why the group was successful. I remembered about half of the people there from before. One woman whose 15 year old son jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge was approaching the second anniversary. Everyone else had lost a parent or partner to age or illness.

I guess I was in a manic phase, because when it my turn to speak, after narrating the bald facts of Zach’s death, I spoke about Rosalie and her positive approach to life. At no point was I near tears as many others were when telling their story.

It struck me that some who were long time attendees were perhaps thinking too much about the past and not enough about the future. It sounds cold but I am only speaking in relation to me. Their grief is theirs and it is not for me to prescribe their reaction to it.

Anyway, I think I will probably never return to that group. It was important to me for a while and I fully respect what they are doing. Indeed, in my talks with two new therapists in the last week, I credited the group with some key insights. In fact, I mentioned that to the group as well yesterday. The idea that we have to reinvent ourselves after a death was one I got from them. I would even go so far as to say that’s a key concept behind this blog.

Speaking of therapy, I had my last session with Dr Perry and my first with J, the MFT, this week. Maybe my manic phase was due to my three therapy appointments hard upon one another. It nice to have someone listen to you! I’ll give J another session or two before deciding whether to continue. I didn’t get the instant comfort level that I did with Dr Perry but the circumstances are different now. She is young but treated me seriously. At one point she made reference to her own depression so there may be depths there that I haven’t seen yet.

(I’ve never been sure about the issue of identifying people in this blog. In general I’ve stayed away from last names in case somebody is looking through these posts for identification clues. I don’t ask anyone if they object to my writing about them. I guess if you do, you have to tell me. I strive to be respectful but I will always be honest.)

therapy

So much in my mind while driving, then so little when I get home. Actually, lots when I get home but it’s all action items: laundry, lunch, email, texts (occasionally), real mail, bills. Some of it involves sitting down at the computer and the blog site is always there, waiting.

This morning I went to see a psychiatrist. My regular therapist, a psychologist, is moving and closing her practice here in the Bay Area. A couple of weeks ago, when I was making appointments, I was in a downward trend so I thought I should at least look into the idea of medication for depression, thus the psychiatrist.

By the time today actually rolled around I was feeling pretty decent. I worked one night, Tuesday, since last weekend and I’ve gotten a lot done that’s been hanging fire for a while. Not only my laundry and groceries, but my taxes and a visit to Mom & Dad’s.

So I told the psychiatrist my sad story and cried a little, remembering, but I didn’t feel hopeless, panicked, suicidal, or any of those other symptoms she was looking for. My only major symptom now is I’m still having trouble sleeping. She said I could start a low dose of a different medication from what I had (some years) before but I could see her heart wasn’t in it. Neither was mine, so we parted amiably with a promise to be in touch if anything changed.

I have one more session with Dr Perry, with another one scheduled with another therapist – only an MFT this time – next week. It’s good to talk with someone but I believe equally important is the usual stay healthy rules: eat well, get enough sleep, exercise. I’m renewing my commitment to reduce my work hours and do more for myself. Stay tuned.

dreams

I want to document the extraordinary dream I had last night. I don’t usually remember my dreams but I can still – more than an hour after waking – remember this dream.

It was sort of like a Gibson-esque sojourn into cyberspace. I was moving in some kind of electronic environment and someone or something was looking for me. Someone or something that I wanted to remain hidden from. I had the ability to move amidst representations of data and manipulate it to some extent. It was all very abstract; I had no body. I remember thinking about the speed at which it was all happening and wondering what the speed was compared to the corporal world. I thought it was much, much faster.

I am also reminded of the character Gaby Plauget in the John Varley novel Demon. It’s too complicated to try to explain fully here. Read the whole Titan trilogy! Anyway, there’s a scene where Gaby is moving among what are clearly atomic particles where their movements can be clearly seen. In my case, I didn’t feel that I was sensing particles but images representative of data and I could manipulate that data.

Meaning? Who knows? It’s just so rare that I remember a dream I wanted to write it down. FWIW, I had a 16 hour day at Davies yesterday and didn’t take any sleeping pills before bed. I slept straight through from about 12:30 to 7:15 or so. That’s not bad.

Not really dreams but this is as good a place as any to mention the mini nightmares I get while driving these winter days. At night, driving City streets, it’s the worst. Usually it’s a bicycle rider appearing suddenly from behind a parked car or an intersection.

Travelogue

Today I asked Ashley to take Rosalie to school. Jeremy was due home this morning and was going to need to sleep. He had an actual fire yesterday – very rare. Since Jeremy became a firefighter I’ve learned that the bulk of what they do are medical calls. Important, but not what they got into the business for.

Anyway, Jeremy got home and is sleeping now. We will go to get Rosalie when he wakes up. He has a game to referee tonight so he will miss dinner with us. I’ve chosen to not go since it is just a Jr. High game. I did get to see him ref the last half of his high school game Tuesday night.

Yesterday with just Rosalie and me was fun. She can play independently if she wants to. Yesterday she mostly didn’t want to. Having Grandpa around is something special evidently.

An odd thing happened though. I was nearly asleep on my feet at least twice during the day and yet after she went to bed around 8 and I did the same I couldn’t sleep. I thought for sure I wasn’t going to need a pill but after a couple of hours of tossing and turning I gave up and took one. This was one of the generic Unisoms that have kicked my ass before so I’ve started taking only half a pill. With half a pill I woke up to pee once about 2:30 then got right back to sleep. I have a dim memory of hearing Rosalie making noises about 6:45 and I remember hearing the garage door when they left but I couldn’t move. About 8 I woke up again and was able to get up but I was really loopy for another 45 minutes. I’m going to go real easy on those from now on.

The other style of sleeping pills I have is generic Benadryl. That has a hangover but not nearly so bad. Sometimes I take the ones with ibuprofen.

So Jeremy has another game tonight and will miss dinner with us. He had to take some time off for a referee association meeting Sunday and has to pay his substitute back tomorrow. That means going on duty at the fire station at 6 Friday night and working until 7 am Sunday morning. Hopefully there won’t be too many calls so he can sleep some. The first time all four of us will be together will be Sunday. I haven’t thought to ask what time but sometime that day all the Hall relatives will be over for a birthday party for Rosalie. Some of her school friends will be coming too.

Jeremy and Ashley are working hard to realize their dream of moving to the west coast, specifically Washington. So far Jeremy has been unsuccessful in convincing Washington fire departments of his quality. It may come down to a leap of faith. Stay tuned.

puzzlement

. . . or maybe ‘bewilderment’. It’s the feeling I’ve gotten the last couple of months whenever I think of Zach. I don’t have the debilitating sadness of the early months of the year nor do I have the overwhelming fatigue I developed in the summer. Now I’m just confused. Where is Zach? Intellectually I know I will never see him again, or hear his voice but emotionally I’m confused, puzzled, bewildered.

My remaining children, Jeremy, Sarah, Ashley, have been a great comfort to me. Their loss is as great or greater than mine yet they carry on. Sarah and I got to share a (semi) private moment of grief for Zach the other night at the conclusion of the SF Symphony’s Dia de los Muertos concert. Jeremy and Ashley have the future in their care and I will be joining them for a visit next week. I am looking forward to many good hugs and a triple dose of Rosalie.

sleep

I want to write about my weekend in Denver but first I’m going to make this quick post about sleep. We got in to SFO at a little after 11; I went and got the car and came back to pick up Mom & Dad around midnight; got to Santa Clara around 12:35 (no one on the highway!); got home at 1:30; got right in bed and . . . couldn’t sleep! After about an hour of tossing and turning I finally took an ibuprofen which put me out until 6 when the alarm went off.

Work at 8 am was the Cat Stevens show at DSH which had been giving JJ fits for weeks but it came off fine. I walked out of the building at 2 am, though; got home at 2:30 . . . and couldn’t sleep. Hmmm. I didn’t want to take a sleeping pill since I had to get up again for another 8 o’clock call. Ibuprofen did the trick. The alarm was set to 6:40 and I slept right into it.

So last night, I was sure I would collapse early in the evening. I had surprisingly felt pretty decent the whole two days so I was again surprised when I made it to 8:30 without falling asleep on my feet. I thought about taking a sleeping pill but thought I would try it without since I was (should have been) really tired.

I fell asleep pretty quick but woke up at 9:30 with the certainty that I wasn’t going to get to sleep easily again. So, Ibuprofen to the rescue. I think I thought that I should have been tired enough to not have to take a pill but I was kind of jumpy and the ibu usually takes care of that.

It did, but I woke again at 1:30 and took another dose, which got me to 4:45. I woke with the certainty that there would be no more sleep, even though my call today is 9 and I could have gone back to bed. I actually fell ok!

Caffeine has played a major role in all this. I took a pill – actually an excedrin – Monday morning and again yesterday but aside from that I had no headaches or other problems needing pain pills. This morning I’m having a cup of black tea. It’s just to have tea, though, not for the jolt.

Tomorrow is an early call (6 am) but I’m supposed to be off tonight at 7 so I should be able to get a good night in. Friday I am off. Laundry day!

feelings

I think originally this was going to be a post about being depressed. When I described how I felt to my therapist after the weekend in July that’s what she said it was. That led to some good conversation but minimal improvement until this week.

Actually it was a couple of weeks ago that I started to improve. I got a guitar lesson and did better with my exercises (PT). I look at my posts over the time before that and I see ‘reaction’, ‘more reaction’, ‘killed’, ‘reality’, ‘legacy’, ‘work’ – pretty bleak.

And that’s just what I actually wrote. It’s a lot less than I wanted to write and it’s not as bleak as what I was thinking.

Anyway, last week I took my guitar to the Fall Semester’s first meeting of the Skyline Jazz Band. There were many familiar faces and they were all glad to see me. That felt good. I was able to follow the charts reasonably well so I decided I would try to stick with it.

Now tonight is the first night I have at home this week and I had great plans but I happened to look at my work email and discovered some things that could not be ignored. Aargh! Now I’m all pissy again.

I whined and got tomorrow off so hopefully I can recover. I have work Friday and Saturday days only then two days off. Next week is the Gala opening for the Symphony so there is much chaos at Davies Symphony Hall.

I’ll try to post something more coherent tomorrow.

Rosalie

After getting all excited writing and feeling pretty tired at 10:30 last night, I went to bed without taking my usual sleeping pill (generic Benadryl OTC). 3 am came and I woke up and that was it. I was tossing and turning until I gave up about 15 minutes ago (6 am).

But partly what I was thinking about was the lovely post Ashley did on Facebook about Jeremy’s birthday. I thought this photo represented Jeremy at his happiest: walking into the forest with his daughter.

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This, on the other hand, is a vision of this girl at age 25! Try to ignore the foot in the foreground. She looks so sophisticated here! Thinking deep thoughts no doubt. Shades of things to come!

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Category Archives: Health