I woke up this morning with an idea of publishing Zach’s journals. Not publishing like a book, just posting here on this blog. Piecemeal, like I’ve done before. I haven’t looked up how I treated it before but today I think I will not comment.<\/p>\n
Here is his entry from this date in 2015:<\/p>\n
\n4\/18, Saturday morning<\/strong><\/p>\n
The week back to the normalcy was not excellent. I always say no bad days but this week really put that mantra to a test. It started with Sunday, where I was only marginally productive and didn\u2019t really do a whole lot, but planned to go bed early and get a good nights sleep, then get up on Monday morning and kick ass. As always, this didn\u2019t work…I couldn\u2019t fall asleep for shit that night and ended up staying up until I don\u2019t know how late and reading a 500 page Michael Crichton book. Which was entertaining but ultimately a bit redundant. So I slept like shit, got up Monday and was immediately annoyed by the cats, the rain, and the dirtiness of the house. All petty little things that are somewhat within my control and I just let it mentally derail me. So Monday was a day spent trying to not get too wet from the rain, making adjustments to golf class, and get too annoyed by how dirty the house became from Jake being gone and the cats being in our house for ten days. Then stats was useless that evening (shockingly) and I had to go make copies and print stuff out that evening, which basically crushed any chances of exercise for the day.<\/p>\n
Tuesday was where the car really ran off the road. It rained a shit ton more Monday night add as I was getting ready to get dressed for the high school and everything, I realized that I had a serious issue of mold in my room, including on a lot of my nice clothes. So I was pretty annoyed, but at that point I didn\u2019t realize the extent of it. But I did when I got home…it was everywhere, and had started growing on my dressers and on about 50% of the clothes and other items in my closets. So needless to say, I was pretty wonked…I spent a couple hours in the afternoon working on it before Kwame\u2019s class, went to class, then came back home and stayed up until about 1am cleaning stuff and figuring out how bad it all was. Jake had finally gotten home and he came and calmed me down, which helped. And I think everything is taken care of, although some of it has already come back in the days since…and I\u2019m also getting rid of a shit ton of stuff…clothes I don\u2019t wear anymore, that big suitcase that I never use, some of my old NU bags, and other shit. So that was kind of liberating.<\/p>\n
But it also meant I didn\u2019t really get anything done Tuesday night or Wednesday morning, and Thursday was also a clunker of a day, so it was not a banner week. I think I\u2019ve got it out of my system but it was rough on my working out (which I had attacked with so much zeal but closed the week with a whimper), as well as me getting good work done (which isn\u2019t a huge huge deal, although I have one assignment I\u2019ve officially procrastinated far too long).<\/p>\n
I started trying to write longhand each morning for a few minutes and sort of like it, but sort of dislike it. It\u2019s mostly just me bitching and then trying to get my head wrapped around what I want to accomplish for the day. So it\u2019s not very pure. But I think there\u2019s some value to it, although I\u2019m not quite certain what it is yet.<\/p>\n
The other thing hanging over this week was the mysterious absence of Garn, which isn\u2019t a huge deal except I also had some research questions hanging over my head and some confusing WAP directions that he gave me. So each day I was dwelling on all that stuff and uncertain when he would be back for me to talk with him. I eventually got the research stuff under control, at least partially, and the WAP is also settled down. The upshot of this week is that it, 100% hammered home the realization that I really can\u2019t put too much trust in Garn for anything outside of research (and even that I need to trust my own instincts). If he\u2019s going to go MIA, which he did for four days this week, then I really can\u2019t expect to get much from him. The teaching and the work responsibilities are what really bug me; I got an email from Dee this week stating that I wasn\u2019t teaching this summer (per Dr. Solmon) and I brought it up to Garn and he assumed that I was applying for a research award. And I told him I wasn\u2019t because I wanted to take classes, and although we hashed out the conversation, it all makes me very uneasy. I can see a scenario where I\u2019ll get left out to dry for the summer as far as income, just because the only affirmation I have about it is an ambiguous email from Dee and Garn\u2019s word, which is proven to not be trustworthy in matters like this.<\/p>\n
In his defense, he\u2019s continued to give me feedback (sort of) on my manuscript and he continues to be exceedingly complimentary. He also nominated me for a national writing award through the AKA, which I received, and I appreciate. I don\u2019t quite know the context of it (like is it really a big deal or no?) and he was really pumped up about it. So he isn\u2019t useless, but I just need to condition myself to be a little more self-reliant in preparing myself for the future.<\/p>\n
I nutted up and sent Kwame an email inquiring about TAing for him this summer for Sport in Society and he quickly and positively affirmed that. I think with him I just need to keep pushing slowly, since I don\u2019t think he\u2019s the type to volunteer assistance per se; but if I go to home with specific questions or asking his opinion, he seems willing to help. I need to cultivate that relationship, even if he might be leaving LSU soon. But that\u2019s one area where I just need to go and do it on my own, to help my future.<\/p>\n
I also spent a few minutes perusing the job boards looking at what\u2019s out there and it was a sobering reminder that my job search will not be easy…especially because my area is kind of gray, in terms of specialty. I don\u2019t really fit into sport management but I also don\u2019t fit into \u201cKinesiology\u201d, for the most part. So I need to do more now of trying find or create more specific niches and roles for myself. The problem is, again, that I\u2019m doing this on my own, and I can\u2019t really depend on Garn to help. I\u2019m wondering more and more if I\u2019m going to have to do a post-doc or some sort of shorter job out of school just because I won\u2019t have quite the depth of experience\u2026<\/p>\n
At the end of the day, I just want to get out of LSU. Garn, for all his positives, is really being weighed down by his negatives, and I\u2019ve kind of come full circle. I stayed at LSU because I thought it would be a consistent, more comfortable, family type environment with people who supported me and would nurture me and that I could trust. And from what I can tell…that\u2019s not exactly the case. I misread the situation, and hopefully the next two years don\u2019t make me regret it. I don\u2019t regret it now, but I don\u2019t want to hate being here either, and I\u2019m having more and more days where I do…<\/p>\n
But here\u2019s the good: since I last wrote, Emily and I have made plans for three visits. I\u2019m going up for two weeks in May, and we\u2019ll spend part of that in AA plus Jimmy and Andrew are coming up from Cincy. That all coming together is a huge relief, because I wanted to spend a lot of time there but didn\u2019t want to just be sitting around her parents house the whole time. She\u2019s also made plans to come down here again in June\/July and we\u2019ll spend most of that trip going to Atlanta, which will be awesome. And then I made flights and plans to go to AA for the wedding in August too. So that\u2019s a lot of great things to look forward to, and that makes everything easier. And she and I are as chipper as ever. It\u2019s a good status quo and I hope we keep progressing.<\/p>\n
The bad: the Giants are terrible. Not a fun start to the season. But I\u2019ve started re-reading Ball Four, and it\u2019s utterly incredible. I\u2019m a better reader now than I have in the past, and it\u2019s such a wonderful joy to experience it.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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