The cycles of emotion are strange. I know I’m more likely to get weepy when I’m tired but it still comes on me at times when I do not expect it.
Friday morning I came into Davies Hall to go to work. Past the guard station and down the hallway by the orchestra managers’ offices are the bulletin boards with the lists of who is playing what in the weeks to come. I almost always stop and look to see if Sarah’s name is on the lists. I knew she was playing this week.
Her name was on for the next two sets and as I walked alone down the backstage hallway I found I was tearing up. Why now? She’s been working pretty regularly so it’s not really a huge surprise. It just happened.
Sometimes when I’m talking with Jeremy and he tells me about how busy he is trying to establish himself in a new home and still be a good husband and father I get choked up. Not all the time, just sometimes. Strange are the cycles of emotion.
The SoundBox set last week included a group of short compositions that were pretty unstructured. For the dress rehearsal Friday, the last piece had the 20 or so orchestra members scattered around the SoundBox space. There were a few moments of silence and then they started to play slowly, each musician listening to the space around them and contributing their feelings in sound. For no reason I could identify, I began crying. Although I was sitting off to the side I wondered if people were looking at me. I didn’t move but I tried not to make a sound. I kept saying to myself, ‘Oh, Zach. Oh, my Z.’ over and over. I wanted to let the emotions flow but I was also a professional on the clock. The ethereal music went on for three or four minutes then morphed into a louder, more rhythmic pattern. By the time it ended, I was still teary but under control and I went back to work. No one said anything to me about it.
Thank you for always sharing your emotions so honestly, I think more of us can relate to this than we know. Zach was my best friend all through high school, and even though we hadn’t seen each other or even really communicated for almost a decade, I find myself crying over him all the time still, in the most unexpected places. Getting ready in the morning, sitting at my desk at work, sometimes while driving. Oftentimes out of nowhere, not from any conscious thought or song or anything that sparks a memory. Such is his lasting impression on all of us <3
Saw this quote today and thought of you – applicable to anyone who is struggling with a loss. The anniversary of my Mom’s death is looming, and although it’s not like losing a child, or a spouse, the loss was tough for me, and changed me forever. Thought you could relate to this,in any case. The wonderful accompanist Mike Greensill posted it in reference to his recent loss of his wife, the lovely singer Wesla Whitfield.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up.
And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly – that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”
Anne Lamott
Good one! And thanks for thinking of me. I went to a bereavement group meeting last week that I hadn’t been to in several months. I had thought I was not in need of it but I found comfort there. The process never ends . . .
What has touched me most about this tragedy is the fact that it is more than the loss of a beloved son. It is the tenderness of a father pouring his inner thoughts, love, and emotions about a son he adored so much. The death of a son that means the loss of more than a precious life. It represents the loss of future experiences and future hopes. No parent is prepared for the loss of a child, and when it happens, the world is changed forever. The grief, guilt, and anguish felt are acute and lasting.
You are not a widow, not an orphan, not childless, but one child less, one less laughter from your youngest son, one less phone call, one less visit from him, one less familiar story from a precious, smart, eloquent lovable son. Though you gave life tohim, in reality he gave you life, love, dreams, and hopes. Reading your stories, I gather your heart longs for seeing and touching him. You helps us long for him and wish we knew him. You help keep him alive in all of us. You are doing great sharing your emotions with us and I am extremely proud of your tenderness, Chris!
Just read this poem that touched me very much and helped me be in touch with the loss of my parents. I hope you are okay with me sharing it with you!
All I know is….
I “Really Really” miss him.
All I know is…..it hurts ALL the time.
All I know is…..I want him back.
All I know is…..sometimes I want him so badly, that I want to go to him.
All I know is…. there is no greater ache in this world than my child dying.
All I know is…..I love him, even in death, I love him so much.
RS
That’s lovely, Sepi. Thank you for sharing.