Zach has an entry for this date, January 21, in 2013. It was MLK Monday that year. He has some angst about his job, but then he tells of going to see the movie Zero Dark Thirty on the previous Saturday. It didn’t make his ‘list’ but he did say it was engrossing.
Then he goes on with this:
What can’t be argued, however, is how it made me felt…I know this isn’t exactly the greatest example, but it made me feel, as I have many times before, insignificant and wanting to be a part of something greater in my life. Watching a team of navy seals and the intense training and preparation they show…I’m envious. Watching a recreation of a meeting of CIA and national security personnel…I’m envious. Hell, in a weird, horribly perverse way, I’m envious of watching a group of analysts sit around at a conference table. It’s the feeling that I want to be a part of something bigger, something greater than what I currently am. To be around intense individuals who want something bigger in their life. This feeling moved me to go back and read a long passage I wrote when I was coming home from Colorado last summer that nicely captured this same feeling. It’s still there, and at a greater level than it was last summer, as my dissatisfaction with my job and work environment has amplified. Even today, while I was at work, I had a short risk/reward calculation in my brain of not doing certain tasks and whether I could get away with not doing them. How horrible is that? In the same light, I just literally texted someone how I wished I could be in a professional position where someone would just tell me what to do because I was sick of trying to make decisions on what was important at work. I don’t feel inadequate; I KNOW I am inadequate, with what I am doing with my life. Maybe that’s an overstatement. What I do know, however, is that I just spent 15 minutes looking over jobs at the CIA wondering if I should apply to certain programs… I just feel like I’m soft at life.
What’s hilarious about all this? The federal government and the CIA is rarely known for its ability to do things really well or for having a strong, effective, efficient work environment. LOL.